


This is who I am

by JapaneseDenim



Category: Nctzen
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 10:47:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20191015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JapaneseDenim/pseuds/JapaneseDenim
Summary: "Why did you do that?" I asked, angry."Do what?" He replied, confused."Why did you do that thing with my hand? Why did you ask my those questions like that? What was with that smile? I'm already so confused but now you're making it worse." I started to rub my temples.He started to lean in. I was unsure what he was trying to do.Soon I felt his lips on mine.Soft.Warm.No.I can't do this.





	This is who I am

Whole story is in Jisung's point of view

I was sitting on my couch watching some TV as the doorbell rang. It had to be Adam as he was meant to come over to hang out.

I open the door and gave a small courtesy smile. I bro-hugged him and he came in.

Adam and I have been very good friends since childhood. I wouldn't be able to stand the thought of being separated from him. 

I am not sure what it is, but Adam makes me feel very special. My heart jumps slightly whenever I see him, and I don't know why.

It could be because I've been through alot with him by my side, almost every single one of my visible memories contain him. 

But on the other hand, ever since I entered teenagehood, he makes me feel a different kind of special and I seriously do not know how to describe it. It just makes me so happy to be around my bestfriend.

"Hey I gotta use the bathroom real quick." Adam said as he ran up the stairs. He practically lives in this house. 

I prepared some snacks and drinks while he was gone. I set it all on the table and waited for him patiently as I scrolled through my phone.

As I was scrolling I came across a picture of Adam with some girl. They seemed oddly close in the picture. Staring at that picture made my heart slightly burn. It's weird because I've never felt this before. 

"Heyy I'm back." Adam said as he plopped down onto the sofa.

"Hey who's this?" I showed Adam the picture of him and that girl.

"Oh thats my sister." He said as he reached in for a chip.

"Your what?" I said, confused. Adam had never mentioned having any siblings, nor have I ever seen any.

"Oh shit I didn't tell you? I met my long lost sister last week. She is the sweetest, I can just feel the sisterly love she gives me when I hang out with her. She is older than me so she spoils me quite often." He chuckled.

I felt relieved knowing that it was his sister, eventhough it has nothing to do with me. But my heart still ached at the fact that he didn't tell me the news for a whole week. We always share information with eachother no matter what it is. Even the slightest things like buying a new phone case. In addition to that, this is pretty huge news and it just makes me so mad that he did not think to tell me.

"Oh." I just shut my phone and sat back on the couch. I felt betrayed.

"Hey these are seriously really good where'd you buy them?" He said as he was chomping down on the chips.

It made me happy to know that he was enjoying the chips, and the way his face has lightens up is heart warming. God, why do I feel like this? 

I'm still mad though. This is like breaking news and he didnt tell me. 

"The store." I replied in monotone, I had no mood to talk to him.

"Which store?" His voice muffled with all the chips in his mouth.

I wanted to laugh at the sight but I couldn't.

"7-Eleven." I replied, again in monotone. I'm not in the mood.

"Cool, I'm gonna buy a few packets later." He said while licking his fingers clean.

"Why aren't you having any?" He offered.

"No I don't feel like it." I replied

"Oh." He felt a hint of sadness from me but he just shrugged it off. 

"Hey uhh my parents are gonna come home soon I think you should get going. I'm also feeling kinda sleepy I want to get some rest." I gave him excuses to make him leave.

"What? But I just came, your parents are chill and it's 6 pm." He replied with a confused face.

"Just leave will you?" I said with a slightly angry tone.

"But, why?" He said, taken aback.

"I said leave!" I shouted. I didn't really mean to. But it just came out of me.

"Jisung? Why are you behaving like this? Why are you so angry? Did something happen at home?" He asked me, concerned. 

"Just, go. Please." I faced my back towards him as I started to clean up. 

"But Jisu-" 

"Go."

With a final sigh Adam left. 

I cant believe I just did that. Why was I so mean to him? I have never in my life gotten angry at someone so easily, especially him. 

And all this over the fact that he didnt tell me about his sister. I could've just asked him why he didn't tell me. 

I sighed as I lied down on the couch.

My life is just getting worse and worse by the minute. I can't even manage to control myself anymore. 

Tears started to fill my eyes before streaming down my face. I repeatedly hit myself on the head whilst sobbing. 

But I don't know. I don't know why I'm so sad. Why I got so angry. Why I feel so many different emotions when i encounter him these days. 

I cried myself to sleep.

"Jisung will you badampuhd for me please?"

"What?" 

"Will you hhadampuf for me?"

"What are you saying?"

An arm swung to my face.

"Ow! What are you doing?"

"You wont fadhaubmig for me so I punched you."

"I can't even understand what you're saying!"

'Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep'

"Where is that sound coming from?"

'Beep. Beep. Be-'

I jolted awake. My phone was buzzing. 

It's Adam. 

He's calling me. 

I won't bother to pick it up. I put my phone on mute and left it while I went to the bathroom to freshen up. 

I slept for 16 whole hours. Explains why I have such a headache.

I just stood in front of the sink for a while. Simply staring at myself in the mirror. I then came back to my senses and started to wash up.

As soon as I was done I grabbed my phone and headed to the store to grab sone breakfast. I got 5 missed calls from Adam and many texts.

[You have received 18 new messages from Adam]

Adam: Hey  
Adam: Jisung  
Adam: I'm sorry if i did anything wrong  
Adam: Jisung?  
Adam: Are you mad at me?  
Adam: Please forgive me for whatever I did  
Adam: Jisung  
Adam: Please reply  
Adam: I'm sorry  
Adam: Is this how you're going to end our friendship?  
Adam: Just abruptly like that?  
Adam: Getting mad at me for no reason whatsoever?  
Adam: Please tell me whats wrong  
Adam: You always reply to my texts immediately.  
Adam: You pick up the phone the second I call.  
Adam: Jisung?  
Adam: Sorry.  
Adam: Bye.

It made my heart hurt. But something in me doesn't want to reply to him. Something in me is telling me to ignore him. 

And all because he did not tell me that he had a sister. But is that really the reason?

I just sighed an entered the store. I grabbed a sandwich and decided to eat in the store.

I sat down and started to eat. As i was eating i noticed someone sat next to me. I shrugged it off thinking it was some other customer. Suddenly,

"Hey"

It's Adam's voice. How did he find me?

Not wanting to face him I quickly stood up and tried to leave but Adam suddenly grabbed my arm and yanked me to the seat. 

"What the hell is your problem?" Adam asked irritatedly.

"Everything had been going perfectly fine. We have never fought even once. And suddenly one day you get really mad out of the blue and stop talking to me. For no reason." He sighed.

"Theres no reason to ask you because you won't say a thing. I'll just leave." He stood up.

"Okay, wait." I urged

"The thing is, I don't know why I'm mad at you." I leaned back onto the chair.

"What? So this whole time you've been mad at me and you have no idea why? Bullshit." He sat back down.

"I...I got really angry when you told me about your sister. You met her over a week ago but you didn't bother to tell me. I know it's something really dumb to get upset over but even I don't know why it made me so mad." I put my head on the table with one hand resting underneath.

"Oh." Adam replied

"Well, Jisung I actually have a reason for not telling you." He rested his elbows on the table.

I lifted my head waiting for the reason.

"When you showed me the picture, I actually started to panic." He sighed.

I got confused.

"What?" I replied

"I made up some excuse. That woman is not my sister." He looked down.

"The who is she?" I asked him.

"She's my girlfriend." 

Pin. Drop. Silence.

I kept quiet. 

I feel jealous. 

Why do I feel jealous?

Am I afraid that he might stop hanging out with me? 

I tried to hide my emotions.

"Wait why didn't you tell me that? That's not something to hide from a friend." I said, trying to sound as okay with it as possible. 

"It's because it's my first time having a romantic partner. I haven't told anyone actually." He chuckled.

"Ahh cmon dude that is so dumb. I'm sorry man I got mad at you for nothing." I smiled and he went in for a hug. 

It felt so nice and warm. I was melting inside. 

"I was worried sick Jisung. I'm serious. I thought this was the end of our friendship." He said as he tightened the hug.

I didn't know what to do. I somehow felt worse than before. I am so sick and tired of these random wave of emotions that hit me so often these days.

"Are you doing anything today?" Adam questioned me.

"No not really, why?" I replied.

"Cool. Lets watch a movie." He suggested

"Oh yeah sure! What do you wanna watch?" I asked.

"Hmm lets watch Avengers: Endgame (no spoilers)" He said.

"Okay yeah lets go." I stood up right after him

I was walking right behind him, I couldn't stop staring at his body. He has a perfectly built body, it made me jealous. But it also made me feel weird staring at him; like a good weird. I didn't wanna stop staring. 

Adam caught me staring and instantly said,

"I get it I have a nice ass now stop staring you're making me uncomfortable." He chuckled.

I gave off a nervous chuckle before jogging up next to him. 

He swung an arm over my shoulder. It made me feel weird.

Okay by now everything feels weird when I'm around him and I don't have any idea why but it is pretty annoying that I can't figure it out.

"Hey, Jisung?" Adam called out.

"Yeah?" 

"You're not, like, you're not like...like Gay...right?" He suddenly asked me. 

I tensed up. I don't know. I might be. Is this why I feel so much when I'm around him? But he has a girlfriend! This can't be happening. I can't be gay. My parents would kill me. Oh no... I think I'm gay.

"Jisung?" He knocked on my head

"I asked you something." He said while stopping in his tracks, taking his arm off me, expectant of an answer.

"No I'm not gay! Why would you think that?" I replied. 

"Just cause." He sighed while sliding his hands in his pockets.

"It's just that.." He started walking. I followed him.

"I'm bisexual." He stopped and looked at me. 

"You.. you're okay with that, right?" He asked nervously. Afraid that I might be homophobic.

"Adam. We've been friends since childhood our childhood. If you think that you being Bisexual is gonna make me hate you then you're so wrong." I went in for a hug reassuring him that I have no problem with it.

"I mean...you did get mad at me for not telling you about someone that actually doesn't even exist.." He chuckled

"Shut up." I smiled

"So you're okay?" He asked.

"Yes Adam, a hundred times yes." I smiled

"Now cmon we have to catch the movie." I said while dragging his arm while walking.

We laughed and I let go of his arm. It was a silent walk. 

But I could not stop thinking about his question. Am I gay? Well, I never really felt any attraction towards any girl, like, ever. 

Theres was a time in middle school when we were playing spin the bottle with a bunch of our friends. I had to kiss one girl and one other boy. 

I still remember that I liked kissing the boy better eventhough the thought of it disgusted me. 

I couldn't stop thinking about that boy when I slept that night. The softness of his lips, the weird feeling that I had, which I have now when I'm around Adam. 

Sigh, 

I don't know.

I zoned out and I didn't even realise we reached the cinema. Hell, Adam already bought the tickets.

We sat down in the theater hall while the ads were still playing. I was just scrolling through social media. Nothing special.

Then I had realised that a gay couple sat next to me. They were very affectionate towards eachother. I guess its their anniversary. 

They keep chuckling and one of the has his hands resting on the others thigh, caressing it using his thumb. 

The other is resting his head on the one caressing his thigh. It's a sweet view. I wish I had that.

Wait,

I wish I had that...?

Why do I wish that? 

GOD please give me answers I am so tired of not knowing. 

The movie started while I was using my phone. It was really loud and abrupt I dropped my phone, luckily on the seat.

(This next part is about to get real clichè so brace yourselves)

I started to reach for the popcorn.

While I was eating, I reached for more and I felt Adam's hand inside the box. 

His hand had never felt so soft before.

Without even realising, I was caressing his hand.

Adam noticed it but didn't really say anything. He just let me do my thing, he didn't want me to get embarrassed. 

I realised what I was doing and quickly snatched my hand away. I was tense. My eyes bulging out of my sockets. It's the most embarrassing thing that I have ever done.

I slapped myself 100x mentally for doing the stupidest thing ever. 

How am I supposed to face him after the movie?

Adam, on the other hand was silently chuckling. He thought it was the cutest thing Jisung has ever done. He doesn't think he will forget this moment. 

He had an idea.

While I had completely forgotten about the incident because I was so into the movie, Adam grabbed my hand and started to caress it. 

I, as usual, tensed up. I'm not sure why he was doing it. But it does feel good. 

I looked at him, he was staring at me. I quickly looked away in shock. 

I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. My face was warm.

He used his other hand to turn my head facing him again. 

"What's wrong?" He said mischievously, as if hes not full on flirting with me right now. 

"N-noth-thing." I cursed myself for stuttering.

"Sure? Your face is completely flushed right now." He teased. 

I yanked my hand away and turned to the movie. What the hell is wrong with him. He can't just do that.

His only reaction was to laugh. He found it all funny and cute.

I watched the whole movie just completely embarrassed. What a fucking asshole.

It's a three hour movie, how am I supposed to sit through this whole thing? 

I sighed. I can't focus on the movie. I just closed my eyes and leaned back. 

I fell asleep. 

"Where is he, Jisung?"

"Where is who?"

"Adam."

"He's right there, sitting on the bed." 

"Oh, Adam! Come here."

Adam arrived.

"What?"

"Kiss him, Jisung."

"Why?" 

"Just do it." 

I leaned in to kiss him but suddenly,

"Jisung."

"What?"

"Jisung."

"What?!"

"Jisung!"

"What do you want?!"

"Jisung wake up!"

"Huh"

I woke up.

Adam has been trying to wake me up.

The movie was over.

And my head has been resting on his shoulder this whole time.

I quickly stood up and left the theater. 

"Jisung wait up! Why the hell are you so fast?" Adam came running up next to me.

I stopped in my tracks and asked him, 

"Why did you do that?"

"Do what?" He replied, confused.

"Why did you do that thing with my hand? Why did you ask my those questions like that? What was with that smile? I'm already so confused but now you're making it worse." I started to rub my temples.

He started to lean in. I was unsure what he was trying to do.

Soon I felt his lips on mine. 

Soft.

Warm.

No. I can't do this.

I slapped him away and looked at him in utter disgust.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" I shouted at him. I was angry. Angry for many reasons, that is.

"I.. I thought you liked me." He replied.

"Oh! So now you're just gonna go around assuming that? What are you? James Charles?" I sighed.

Without saying a word, I left.

I was walking really fast.

I was on my way back home. I kept my head straight the whole tine, didn't look back even once.

I can't handle it anymore. Sexuality is annoying. 

Why does it have to make me so damn confused! 

I reached home and closed the door behind me. I leaned back and sighed.

This is all so frustrating.

I slowly slid down and held my knees.

I entered a state of long thought.

I analyzed all my visible memories. All which contained boys. 

Doing that I realised that there have actually been many boys that I felt different towards. The same feeling I'm getting with Adam nowadays. 

I took out my phone and searched.

'Am I gay quiz'

I took many many test.

Around 80% of it told me I am not straight.

I sighed and put my face in my hand. 

I guess it might be true.

I'm gay. 

I'm gay and I like Adam.

This is who I am.

But how am I supposed to confront him? I probably just made him hate me.

I guess it's easier to forget about this for now, and distract myself. 

I decided to play video games. 

I took the controller, plopped down on the couch and started playing COD.

While playing the wifi stopped working.

I checked my phone to see if it's working there.

It's completely fine, the console has an issue.

So I set up the internet on my console, it's a terribly long process.

As soon as I was done I continued to play.

I got a notification

'AdamandSteve invited you to a party. Press the PS button to join.'

I was unsure at first but I joined anyways.

(For any of you that might not know a party is like a voice chat that you can have with multiple people at once while playing)

"Hey Jisung!" He said with enthusiasm.

"Hey." I replied simply.

"What are you playing? Wanna play together?" He said.

"Oh I'm playing cod should I invite you?" I asked.

"Yes ofcourse." He replied happily.

So we played and played, and without even knowing we had been playing for over 4 hours. 

"Hey uh Jisung?" He called me.

I was too busy trying to kill of this enemy so I didn't realise he was calling me.

"Jisung." He repeated.

Still busy.

"Come one just die you dumb bitch!" I said in frustration.

"A-ARGH YOU STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE IM GOING TO PERSONALLY COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND SHOVE MY HAND UP YOUR FUCKING ASS YOU PIECE OF SHIT." I screamed when I got defeated. 

Adam couldnt stop laughing. He loves my frustrations.

Noticing that I've calmed down after a whole strung of curse words left my mouth he called for me again.

"Hey uh Jisung?" 

"Whats up?" I replied

"Can I....can I come over?" He asked a bit hesitantly.

I was still focused on my game so I didn't really think about what I was saying.

"Uh yeah yeah sure." I replied.

"Awesome! I'm coming now." He said.

Wait what. 

"Wait Adam what?" I said but the call had already ended.

"Shit shit shit shit shit." I said while grabbing my hair.

I wont be able to handle having him around.

I had completely distracted from the fact that i figured myself out. 

I wont be able to act normal when he arrives.

Shit.

A few minutes later her arrives.

"Hey Jisung." He said as he sits down next to me.

"Im sorry." He apologised.

"It's okay Adam. I've figured it out. And frankly you were right." I said smiling. I can handle this.

"I was right about wh-" I cut him off with a kiss.

I was a bit hesitant but I did it.

I gave him a small peck and I pulled away.

He looked at me with shock in his eyes.

I started to panic because he wasn't responding, he was just staring.

"O-oh no I shouldn't have done that I-I'm sorry uh you can leave if you want you have a girlfriend this is cheatin-" He pushed me down onto the sofa.

He leaned in to my ear and whispered.

"I already broke up with her." Then gave a slight peck on my ear.

I shuddered from the feeling.

Soon we started to make out.

It was a passionate kiss. 

I like this.

I started to give in aswell.

I wrapped my hands around his neck closing in the gap between us. 

I changed the positions and now I am sitting on his lap.

We had been going on for around 2 minutes and he suddenly bites on my lower lip and sticks his tongue inside my mouth.

I thought I was going to faint from how hot I am feeling.

He pulls away, looks at me, and smiles. All in the matter of a second before he starts to kiss my neck, leaving bruises.

He goes lower, and lower...

THE END  
____

**Author's Note:**

> Heyy so this was my first time writing a story like this. Im sorry if it seems messy because I wrote it over long periods of time. 
> 
> Don't hesitate to criticize me on my way of writing because I really need feedback.
> 
> Also please point out if I have a grammar mistake, it helps alot. Thanks for reading! Bye!


End file.
